What you see...is what I got...

I did something the other day that I'm really proud of. In the nearly 14 years that I've spent nearly every minute of every day thinking about running, I think I made my biggest breakthrough. In the thousands of miles that I've run. In the hundred or so races that I've participated in. In the eight 100 mile buckles that I've earned...Monday I made a breakthrough that I've been waiting for for almost my entire life...I stopped caring....

It's been well documented the reason I got into running. I was running from an addiction. I was running from my weight. I was running from depression. I was running from the feeling of inadequacy. I was running from myself. I won't go into that piece of my past again. 

As I've lost weight, I've gained confidence in my abilities. I've gained a way to deal with my stress and depression. I've surrounded myself with some of the most amazing people and have gotten to visit some very cool places. But even with these successes, there has always been a cloud that has been hanging around my head. 

I've always been a person who has always tried to "have my own style" or come across as not caring what other people think of the way I look. For the most part, that's been true. I really don't care to follow the latest trends in haircuts (I cut my own hair pretty poorly) and I like having a beard. I don't care if my shorts have stains. I like wearing t-shirts and would prefer to never have to dress up. I really don't care what I look like. But the one area in my life that I have struggled with was the fact that I actually cared about what I looked like under the "costume". 

Body image issues are something that are brought up constantly about women. We are bombarded with images of females in bikinis, supermodels with perfect skin and celebrities wearing the hottest trends out of Paris. Obviously, the portrayal of what a women is "supposed to look like" is an issue that is out of control and an issue that is being addressed and attacked. I'm amazed at how companies are trying to combat the stereotypes of how "sex sells" and empowering women to be themselves...but there is still a long ways to go. People are talking about it and that is AMAZING!!!

But there is something that is not being talked about...Do me a favor...look at the image below and look at the search bar...

What do you see in this picture? Lean men. Chiseled. Ripped. 6 pack abs and shirtless dudes...look closer at the filter options...

For the better part of my adult life, I've spent an unbelievable amount of time hiding behind the fact that I didn't care what people thought about the way that I looked...but that meant on the exterior. Inside my head...I can't stop thinking about they way people look at me.

When I was a kid, I had really bad acne all over my body. I would avoid swimming in the summer shirtless because I was afraid that people would see my skin. When I went off to college and started gaining weight, I was NEVER without a shirt on. I was embarrassed about the way I looked. I would wear the longest shorts possible because of what I thought people would think of my legs...stupid...I know...When I started to lose weight, I would never wear sleeveless shirts or tanks to run in because of my stretch marks around my stomach and the inside of my arms. Now that I've lost 130+ lbs, I'm still concerned about wearing tank tops because of what people might think of the way my chest looks or the excess skin that won't go away around my midsection. I've been yelled at during runs and been told to "keep running fatty". I've been called "Big Bird" while running. I've been scared to wear shorter running shorts because of what my thighs looked like. I've spent most of my life being scared of what I look like. Yeah...you read that right...I've been scared for years...but why? It's images like the above and what I'm being told I'm supposed to look like...

The Midwest has been dealing with a heatwave for the past several weeks. Days in the 100° heat indexes. On Mondays, I try to get two workouts in. One in the early morning hours with some great friends and then a run over my lunch break. I'm trying to keep my weekly miles up and not have to deal with the incessant heat. As I was packing all of my gear before I left home, I grabbed the lightest articles of clothing that I had in my gear closet. I got my "daisy duke" shorts from rabbit and because I am trying to mimic what I'll wear WHEN I get into the Western States 100, I grabbed a very light cotton shirt that I was going to continue to soak during my run to try and keep me cool. 

As I walked out the door leaving my office for my 2nd run of the day the temps are already a "feels like" temp of 95°F at 10:45am. This was going to be gross...

A mile into my run, I was already soaked to the bone and the shirt I was wearing felt heavy and not what I thought it was going to be like. I was not cooling off nearly as much as I thought I was going to. I was really getting uncomfortable and for a decade of this routine, I've spent an unbelievable amount of time uncomfortable. In this moment, I decided to get comfortable. I decided to shed my shirt. Something that I've done once or twice in 14 years of running, but only on back country roads in the middle of the night. In this moment I chose to tell those strangers on the busy road that I wasn't going to care what they thought of the guy that has "man boobs" and bouncing stomach running down the road. This was the moment that I've been waiting for since I was a kid. I finally stopped caring what people thought about me. I've worked REALLY hard in the past 14 years to create a better life for myself and I don't care what you think. I'm putting in the work on a STUPID hot summer day. At 38 years old, I've finally gotten to the point where I can stop listening to the voices in my head and love how I was created...scars from bad decisions and all...

This isn't going to make sense to a lot of people...and that's OK. People are going to look at the post and think "Oh, Brad's an ultra runner and just needs more attention"...that's not the case. My hope is that this post will strike a chord with someone who struggles with the same issues that I do. I'm not going to go to the extreme of never wearing a shirt, I'm not Ryan Gosling afterall...but what I am going to do is commit to being myself. Being comfortable with myself. I'm going to look back at those photos that I keep at my desk of what I used to look like and know that I've come a long way. 

One of my favorite stories in the past couple of years is about Mirna Valerio and her struggles with weight and body image issues. If you are struggling with your own "demons" when it comes to body image, read her story here and know that you are not alone. Women struggle with body image and so do men. At some point you will look at where you are at in your own journey and realize that being uncomfortable is no longer necessary. Be you. Love yourself. Live your own life. We are all created beautiful. Scars are stories of your past...embrace them

Stay Strong, Run Long

Tha Messenjah