Doubt
As a kid, I dreamed of being a musician. I was so immersed in musical culture that I literally was listening to something from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed. I would burn through batteries in my walkman so fast that I ended up stealing them out of remotes so that I wouldn't have to stop. I wanted to be a musician with every fiber of my being.
In high school I was in a band. We were pretty good by the standards of the day. Grunge/Alternative was our speciality. We had fans, mostly our friends and family, but fans none the less. Then one day during my senior year, the band went on without me. At the time I was incredibly upset. I said some terrible things and carried a huge chip on my shoulder for a long time. Although it was just a parting of ways because of the others members being in college, it left me with an unwavering sense of doubt in my abilities. I had worked so hard to be a part of this band that I couldn't help but think that it wasn't about them being in college but the fact that I wasn't good at it. I wasn't good in sports but music was something that I loved and felt that I was fairly good at, but at that moment I decided that I wasn't good enough to continue on that path.
After high school, college came and went. I got a good job out of college doing ad sales for a radio station. Two things that I love. Music and talking to people. This was a job that I was destined for. About 2 months into the "probationary period", I was laid off due to the company cutting sales members. Since I was one of the newest, I was the first to go. I had just closed a big sale and was feeling really good about myself, but again I was left with a sense of doubt in my ability to do anything. I got depressed. Started eating and drinking more and lost all motivation. Doubt in my ability to do anything had taken control of my life.
Thankfully, I got a job fairly quickly in the industry that I've been in now for over 10 years but for a long time struggled with the cycle of depression and doubt. I have had some good days and have had some bad days. My job keeps me very busy and challenges me every day. Some days I really like my job and others I don't. I have worked my way up and have seen some relative success but every once in a while there still is that overwhelming sense of doubt that hampers me.
You might ask yourself where I am going with this or thinking that this is getting kind of depressing. Hold on. I have a point.
For me the failures that I have seen in my life have made me who I am today. I do have a pretty happy existence. I have a wife that I adore. I have 3 wonderful children that I love. A home, car and a job to pay my bills. I have food on the table and a warm bed to sleep on at night. I have a pretty good life. I have learned a lot just through life, but I have also learned a lot from running.
To most people running is exercise. That's it. It is something that you do for social interaction or for your health. But for me, running saved my life and has given me something that during those years that I spent depressed I never thought I would see. Hope.
In ultra distance races you really learn a lot about yourself and who you are as a person. I can thankfully say that I have only not finished one race and I spent a lot of time after doubting my abilities to do these events. I reflected for a long time on it and came to a conclusion. For me, running ultras really is a metaphor for life. Storms will come and you will have to seek shelter. You will get low on energy and want to quit. The terrain may be rockier than what you had planned. The temperatures will skyrocket or plummet but just know that no matter how bad it gets, if you just keep moving forward you will see the end and it will be beautiful.
Take some time today to look at the beautiful things in your life. You may be in a rough spot right now, but you can fight through and finish the race. You may be facing a mountain today, but as a shirt I saw recently said, "It's a hill. Get over it." That's what you can do today. Put one foot in front of the other and get over that mountain. It's glorious on the other side.
Stay Strong, Run Long
Tha Messenjah
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